Tattoos

I have been doing tattoos since earlier this year, its been a long time dream of mine to learn. Not just to make money or do it for a job, but because I really need an artistic output to make the evil inside me subside. I decided last December that I would buy my first tattoo machine in 2010, I have to be honest, this is not the first time I made this new years resolution. But thank fully I kept it this year. Its not really very easy to tattoo, much less to be self taught. Thankfully I have a really understanding canvas, although He will not allow me to do flowers, I am getting a lot of practice. I decided to tattoo myself on thanksgiving, I do not recommend to anyone to ever do this. It was very awkward, painful, and all around just difficult. It turned out alright, but it will be my only self-tattoo. Anyone who is willing to help me learn, I would be grateful. This is one of my most recent tattoos, James wanted a distresses flag behind his eagle.

One Month Away

We are one month away from our wedding, planning it has been just like our life, a hodgepodge mess and strange collaboration. Thankfully, we have only been planning for one month, otherwise, what the hell would it have become? I'm getting really excited, nervous that we wont have everything in time. But I think it will turn out great.

I have been tattooing a little, not as much as I'd like to, but then again, I didn't expect the flooding of our basement to get so severe. The tattooing is cool, not really complicated, but I just need patience, which I have a lot of. I am working on James' leg, its cool. Planning on doing more tonight, maybe even finishing.

I'm having a really tired day today, thus my lack of enthusiasm to write this blog. I apologize for my dullness, and will be more interesting next time, Promise!

Its Done, and Its Scary.

I quit my job, got a new one. Closer to home, low hours & low stress. Its been going OK. The funny thing is that I work with teenagers, and no one knows who I am or what I used to do. It was my choice to give up my career, my department that I worked so hard to build. But thats not the scary part, that just pays the bills.

I have been talking about doing something for many years, something that my parents hate, something that intrigues my creative side, and scares the crap out of me at the same time. I want to tattoo. I want to learn it, live it, and be it. I want to do beautiful skin art on everyone. I want everyone to be my mobile art gallery. But, I have been putting it off, there always were bills that needed the money more. There was always some excuse for me not to face my fears. But I did it, I bought my equipment, and I am now waiting for it to get here. I'm excited. But still really freaked out. It kinda sounds stupid to be freaked out, because people face bigger things all the time; but I am the person who never follows through with anything, so I guess my biggest fear is that I will give up.

So here is my new journey to finally do the thing I've always wanted to. Wish me luck!

Searching

I have been searching for something for a very long time. I think really my entire adulthood. I am looking for the job/career that suits my life perfectly, gives me enough time for my kids, and summer fun; but at the same time fill my need of control & workaholic tendencies. I don't think I would be happy at a dead end job for its lack of challenge; but I am currently unhappy at my high stress management job for its 24/7 demand. I long to vacation over the summer, take my kids to the beach, camp, maybe even celebrate the 4th of July somewhere other then work. Honestly, now that I think of it, I have never had a forth of July off in Logan's almost 4 years of life. It was brought to my attention a few days ago, when my mother asked me if she could take him to the cabin for the forth again. Its sad really, the 2nd most fun holiday of the year, and it is almost the busiest weekend of my summer.
I don't really mean to complain about it, but when you sacrifice so much for your work, and don't have much gain; it really makes me wonder why I am missing so much of my kids' lives. For what am I missing this... Wait, for work! what the hell is work going to give me back? Eventually someone younger, faster, that will work for less money will replace me, and my work(that I have sacrificed for) will toss me to the side(lay offs, they call them). I will be done, with no compensation. I feel as though I will emerge from years of a work focused coma, and be nothing but full of regret. My kids will be so used to me being at work that it will be hard to adjust back.
My search continues, the resumes go out, and still no one calls. It really make me feel discouraged. I keep trying I guess. Keep searching...

Giving up on the medicine

Well, My endocrinologist is a self satisfying, living in a bubble, blood hoarding quack! Yup, 2 appointments with her an that is the truth. She put me on a medicine to make me more insulin receptive, although she never looked at my test to see that I have a LOW blood sugar issue, not high. The meds made me sick, so I took less. Then they didn't do anything, but over exaggerate low blood sugar, this is a really bad thing when I was in the middle of serving 700 people on seafood buffet. Nothing would've made dinner better then the manager passing out on the dining room floor. Anyways, After my last appointment with her on Monday, I will not be taking her medicines, Nor the insulin and other things she recommended. I refused to give any more blood to the Allina network, because honestly, I hate the Cambridge medical center. And will never return to there again!

I have decided that she, and all the other doctors I have seen don't really have a clue. I will give it 6 months, and then maybe try again to feel better. Until then constant eating keeps my blood sugar up I guess.

Houses, Blood tests & Kids

The last few months have been somewhat of a confusing experience, filled with a lot of questions and waiting for answers. I feel as though I am on the cusp of finding everything out soon.

The house. Well, We may take over the house that James gave up in his divorce. We are doing this to save it from ruining his credit, and so we can give a real home to our kids. I'm excited. I'm a very project driven woman, and always love having a home improvement project going on. I think this will be really great. BUT, We have yet to really hear anything from the bank. Its there say in weather or not they let us save it or foreclose. So We are waiting.

I have been plagued with a dozen Dr's appointments lately. They aren't sure what is wrong yet, but the appointment with the Endocrinologist will hopefully put things into perspective, at least for now. Testing my blood sucks, food journals suck even more. But the Dr's just keep saying that they need this info. So I'll play along for a few more days. I don't mean to complain, I know a lot of people have it a lot worse.

Kayla & Courtney moved in because their sister is going in the hospital. We are so excited to have them here. It'll be really good for everyone. I am looking forward to spending a lot of time with them. Kyrsten's mom may be moving far away, like hours away? I have no idea what she is thinking really. So we are accommodating her while she lives in limbo from party to party? Well at least We are here for this little girl. Since her mother never is. And Logan, well, He's doing great, no major drama there. His dad isn't involved hardly at all. I can't wait until September when he is in school and with me all the time. He really needs more stability then his dad is capable of.

But what can I say, I'm living the american dream!

One Year Ago

The last year has been an amazing, scary, hard, frustrating, exciting, and wonderful journey. A year ago today James & I officially were together. We had no idea what we we doing; We were both married, living in temporary locations. We both needed to file for divorce and step forward in our lives. Together we had the strength and energy to overcome 2 divorces, kids being combined, moving, threats, cops, court orders, financial hardship, defiant children, the sadness and uncertainty that our past had scared us with. Although we have discovered a new and exciting life together, We knew it wouldn't be easy, We knew that if this is what we wanted we were in for a fight. AND WE HAD IT. We stood strong though it all and came out of it with a beautiful result; US.

Although we faced so many challenges, Together we have created a one of a kind, wonderful home and family. We will always have other parents to accommodate children with, and limitations to our time with our children, but we have given them a happy healthy home and family; which at the least they deserve.

I am excited and look forward to the years to come with James. We will continue to grow and be successful in our relationship. This is after all, where we we both meant to be.